Kim Jong il Starves Millions To Win Parade’s Tyrant of the Year
World News Monday, January 3rd, 2011Written By Staff Reporter –Mahmoud Amhadijenad
Pyongyang, North Korea—Kim Jong il, lovingly referred to as “Dear Leader” by North Koreans, dramatically reduced his people’s daily food rations below the already existing starvation levels he’d set previously in a desperate end-of-year push to win Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictator” designation. Kim, who has consistently finished in Parade’s top ten listings, has yet to experience a breakout year to win the coveted number one spot and take home the esteemed Josef Stalin trophy. Given his rumored health problems, Kim is well aware that he may not have many more opportunities to impress Parade’s selection committee, which is usually predisposed towards fresh up and coming tyrants
According to anonymous sources inside his regime, Kim was bitterly disappointed with his 4th place drop in Parade’s 2010 ranking, and feels that Parade’s panel of judges overlooked his nuclear weapons capabilities and placed too much emphasis on executed civilians versus total dead. An exasperated Kim was reported to have said in reaction to the ranking: “Parade’s judges must believe mass starvation is an act of God. I should get credit for running North Korea’s economy into the ground. In addition, I spend billions of dollars developing nuclear missile weapons capable of killing tens of millions of people, some as far away as Japan, but apparently Parade isn’t impressed.” As 2010 wore on, however, insiders say Kim became reconciled to his reduced world stature, in much the same way he did with his physical stature. To show he harbored no hard feelings and could graciously handle setbacks, he had everyone on his staff tortured then executed. And to further demonstrate the love and kindness for which his leadership is renowned, he personally raped each surviving female family member of his former staff — before executing them.
Due to predictions of an unusually harsh upcoming winter, Kim and his senior advisors are confident that the new starvation level rations, consisting primarily of twigs and grass along with two tablespoons of rice a week, will be sufficient to dramatically raise infant mortality and elderly deaths to increase the number of North Korean dead during the final two months of 2010 by 2 million. This would bring 2010’s total dead to 3.2 million and, administration officials hope, easily top Kim’s previous record of 2.75 million dead set in 2003. “Let’s see what Mugabe can do this year to top me” said a petulant Kim, referring to Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, who won Parade’s top dictator of the year in 2009 and 2010. “Big deal. So he’s ruined his country’s economy, crushed opponents of his regime, and created social anarchy. Like I haven’t done that in North Korea? What makes him so special, anyway? Does Zimbabwe make the US’s ‘Axis of Terror’ list? Does the US seek to isolate and ostracize Zimbabwe in the UN? I don’t think so. And yet Parade gives this petty dictator the number one ranking. Is it because he’s black and it’s politically correct to give him top honors? Is he playing the race card?”
There are also unconfirmed reports that Kim is planning some additional surprises in December, as he pulls out all the stops to win Parade’s coveted number one ranking. Rumors abound in this secretive nation regarding what those surprises might entail. There have been unconfirmed reports that Kim has hired a new hair stylist and lens ware consultant to update his look. Other reports talk of Kim replacing his entire staff with men shorter than 4’8” to give him the appearance of greater stature. Yet the most dramatic rumor has Kim launching a few nuclear missiles at Tokyo, in lieu of the usual fireworks display, to celebrate his birthday on December 16th,.Whatever Kim’s final moves will be, it would be shortsighted to count him out of contention for Parade’s Numero Uno spot. He is still likely to win and display the Josef Stalin trophy in Pyongyang, in recognition for his lifetime of heinous achievements.
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Posted by Z.L. "Mighty" Buck
on Jan 3 2011. Filed under World News.
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